GOAT. Definition: Greatest of All-Time. It’s a term I like to throw around as loose as possible. Sure, some people like to save the term for the “so-called” true GOATs: Jordan, Gretzkey, Tu-Pac, Martha Stewart, etc. but I think guys like Johnny Manziel and things like Big Visors and Papa John’s Garlic Sauce deserve a nod as well. Since there are so many GOATs out there (in my fucked up world anyway) it’s sometimes difficult to get a solid gauge for who/what is truly the Greatest of All-Time.

Solution: When labeling someone/something the GOAT first state the person/place/thing. Then depending on how great this thing is pause, pause, pause then deliver GOAT. Note: The longer the pause the harder GOAT must be delivered.

Example 1: You drive by Subway. “$5 footlongs…………… GOOAATT!

Example 2: Gin Blossoms comes on the radio. “Gin Blossoms………………………………. GOOOOAAAATTTTTT!”

Notice the pause was longer with Gin Blossoms which means, on the GOAT scale, Gin Blossoms is higher. Now I know exactly what you’re thinking, “Bobby! What’s the longest GOAT pause you’ve ever given?” Great question. to my knowledge it was a reference to Roy from the Office. “Roy……………………………………………………………………………………………… GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT!”