Would You Like a Slice of Bubblegum?

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Job Opening

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Try to Get People to Dance Anywhere There’s Music

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Spell Go Like a Douche

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Spare the Super Annoying Food Stuck in Your Teeth.

I remember where I was when I learned how bull fights actually went down. Before the truth was thrown at me in such a vividly descriptive way I always believed the bull guys (matadors) just dodged a bull for a good 15-20 minutes; little did I know they actually killed the fucking thing. After being woke to such a tremendous horror, I was beside myself, my whole life felt like a lie. My buddy, fresh off a Spain trip mind you, must’ve taken notice of the life being sucked out of my eyes and mentioned a detail that cheered me up a touch. He said every now and then a bull will be spared. That if the bull showed grit, determination, bravery that the audience would cheer and that grinder of a bull wouldn’t go out like the rest of em’. Nah…… He’d live on. So dope.

You ever have a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth for an eternity? I mean really jammed up in there. Sure, food gets caught in your teeth every now and then. Happens to the best of us, but every now and then a certain piece of food will come along that just feels different. You grind with your tongue, you prod away with your fingernail, you create a make-shift toothpick with a straw and still nothing? Sometimes it gets to the point where we drop everything we’re doing to get this fucking thing out of our teeth. “Hey Cindy. Sorry to bother you but do you have any floss?” … “No? Ok no worries.” …. “Excuse me! Does anyone have any floss?”

When the time finally comes and it pops out most people simply chew away and swallow. Nahhhhhh not me. That piece of food has earned its stripes and won’t go down like every other piece of food I put in my mouth. He will avoid my stomach acid and not be shit. I’m baby birding that piece of food into a napkin and throwing it away…. That grinder will live on.

Spare the Super Annoying Food Stuck in Your Teeth. Could Be The Move.

***Note*** Flossing is cheating. If you floss you have accepted defeat. Say you floss, it pops out of your teeth and into your mouth, if you chew and swallow you are a coward. That piece of food deserves better.

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Dry Swallowing Advil

Dedicating this move to my man Tony Soprano. Just started watching Season 1 and this guy rips down Prozac like it’s no big deal. No water, no applesauce just a couple pills right down the gullet. I was so impressed with the way he dry swallowed pills I decided to incorporate this move into my life… but not a private, in my room, alone, trying to dry swallow pills way. I’m talking about a dry swallowing public showcase with the goal of sending a fucking message.

You’re at work, Tuesday morning meeting, you got yourself a little headache. You take out your Advil bottle and give it a couple taps, 1, 2, 3 perfect. (The Advil shake alone will draw enough attention to execute this move to perfection). Close up the bottle. Back in the pocket then BAM. 3 Advil right down the hatch. Afterwards do a quick scan of the room to see if anyone saw. Notice the horror, the confusion, the rush to judgement in the person’s eyes. Or maybe your boy spots you and you guys share a nice chuckle. Either way you’re a stud.

*Note* Another detail you can incorporate with this move is blessing yourself before you throw the pills back. There’s something creepy/demonic about this detail that I really dig.

Dry Swallowing Advil. Could Be The Move.

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Spill a Little Water on Yourself and Don’t Mention It.

Swagger jacked this move from the Offensive Line Coach for the Cleveland Browns. “That’s so random, Bobby!” Yeah, kind of but the Browns did have a show centered around them this year on HBO called, “Hard Knocks”. “Bobby we know what Hard Knocks is.” Well some people don’t. So like umm… back off please. Anyways this grizzly old timer with a straight up walrus mustache got tossed a water bottle at the end of practice and  homeboy took a hard couple swings. The swigs were so aggressive that a bunch of  water ended up dribbling on his shirt. No big deal though right? I mean the guy is outside, it’s probably hot as well, nobody said, “Hey Coach! You spilled water on yourself!.” No harm/no foul. I’m thinking the move is doing this in a setting where it might be more socially unacceptable to spill water on yourself. Say work or when you’re out to eat. The key to this move is ignoring the fact that the water spillage occurred and if/when someone calls you out, “Dude. You just spilled water all over yourself.” Hit em with a, “Umm… Yeah it’s just water, Frank.” Poor ole Franky won’t know what to do. I’d recommend pulling this move off when you’re the center of attention. Go for a sip mid story or something. Also, it’s a lot more clutch if you’re wearing a grey shirt; the water spillage will be much more pronounced. Spill a Little Water on Yourself and Don’t Mention It. Could Be The Move.

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