I remember where I was when I learned how bull fights actually went down. Before the truth was thrown at me in such a vividly descriptive way I always believed the bull guys (matadors) just dodged a bull for a good 15-20 minutes; little did I know they actually killed the fucking thing. After being woke to such a tremendous horror, I was beside myself, my whole life felt like a lie. My buddy, fresh off a Spain trip mind you, must’ve taken notice of the life being sucked out of my eyes and mentioned a detail that cheered me up a touch. He said every now and then a bull will be spared. That if the bull showed grit, determination, bravery that the audience would cheer and that grinder of a bull wouldn’t go out like the rest of em’. Nah…… He’d live on. So dope.
You ever have a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth for an eternity? I mean really jammed up in there. Sure, food gets caught in your teeth every now and then. Happens to the best of us, but every now and then a certain piece of food will come along that just feels different. You grind with your tongue, you prod away with your fingernail, you create a make-shift toothpick with a straw and still nothing? Sometimes it gets to the point where we drop everything we’re doing to get this fucking thing out of our teeth. “Hey Cindy. Sorry to bother you but do you have any floss?” … “No? Ok no worries.” …. “Excuse me! Does anyone have any floss?”
When the time finally comes and it pops out most people simply chew away and swallow. Nahhhhhh not me. That piece of food has earned its stripes and won’t go down like every other piece of food I put in my mouth. He will avoid my stomach acid and not be shit. I’m baby birding that piece of food into a napkin and throwing it away…. That grinder will live on.
Spare the Super Annoying Food Stuck in Your Teeth. Could Be The Move.
***Note*** Flossing is cheating. If you floss you have accepted defeat. Say you floss, it pops out of your teeth and into your mouth, if you chew and swallow you are a coward. That piece of food deserves better.
Dedicating this move to my man Tony Soprano. Just started watching Season 1 and this guy rips down Prozac like it’s no big deal. No water, no applesauce just a couple pills right down the gullet. I was so impressed with the way he dry swallowed pills I decided to incorporate this move into my life… but not a private, in my room, alone, trying to dry swallow pills way. I’m talking about a dry swallowing public showcase with the goal of sending a fucking message.
You’re at work, Tuesday morning meeting, you got yourself a little headache. You take out your Advil bottle and give it a couple taps, 1, 2, 3 perfect. (The Advil shake alone will draw enough attention to execute this move to perfection). Close up the bottle. Back in the pocket then BAM. 3 Advil right down the hatch. Afterwards do a quick scan of the room to see if anyone saw. Notice the horror, the confusion, the rush to judgement in the person’s eyes. Or maybe your boy spots you and you guys share a nice chuckle. Either way you’re a stud.
*Note* Another detail you can incorporate with this move is blessing yourself before you throw the pills back. There’s something creepy/demonic about this detail that I really dig.
Dry Swallowing Advil. Could Be The Move.
Swagger jacked this move from the Offensive Line Coach for the Cleveland Browns. “That’s so random, Bobby!” Yeah, kind of but the Browns did have a show centered around them this year on HBO called, “Hard Knocks”. “Bobby we know what Hard Knocks is.” Well some people don’t. So like umm… back off please. Anyways this grizzly old timer with a straight up walrus mustache got tossed a water bottle at the end of practice and homeboy took a hard couple swings. The swigs were so aggressive that a bunch of water ended up dribbling on his shirt. No big deal though right? I mean the guy is outside, it’s probably hot as well, nobody said, “Hey Coach! You spilled water on yourself!.” No harm/no foul. I’m thinking the move is doing this in a setting where it might be more socially unacceptable to spill water on yourself. Say work or when you’re out to eat. The key to this move is ignoring the fact that the water spillage occurred and if/when someone calls you out, “Dude. You just spilled water all over yourself.” Hit em with a, “Umm… Yeah it’s just water, Frank.” Poor ole Franky won’t know what to do. I’d recommend pulling this move off when you’re the center of attention. Go for a sip mid story or something. Also, it’s a lot more clutch if you’re wearing a grey shirt; the water spillage will be much more pronounced. Spill a Little Water on Yourself and Don’t Mention It. Could Be The Move.
One of my favorite parts of social media is DM’ing my buddies the most immature videos/memes imaginable. The dumber the better. “WHEN YO GIRL DRUNK AF AND YOU TRYIN’ TO PLAY FORTNITE!” (One cat on the couch, the other flops on top in a clumsily manner). I love stuff like that. I also enjoy pairing a dumb meme with an even more dumb caption, “That’s you. You bitchass!” So dumb. So good.
My new move though is DM’ing someone that really hasn’t figured out my sense of humor quite yet Instagram ads with a caption along the lines of, “I think you would enjoy this product.” In order to make this move work I’d first have to target a product they need. Let’s say we’re in a group conversation and they won’t stop talking about how they need a mattress. Like to the point where they waste half of your lunch talking about fucking mattresses. Boom. Store away the info. Grab your phone, search Casper mattresses, forward them over some stupid Casper Instagram post with a caption, “I think you would enjoy this product, Tim.” Perfect. Now even better news, since you searched Casper once in your phone Big Brother is going to pound you with mattress ads. Amazing. More material, “Here is a competitor. Good luck on the mattress hunt let me know if I can help out in anyway shape or form.” Sure that person might think you’re a weirdo or they’ll pick up on your move and you guys become best friends. Either way it’s all gold.
DM Your Not So Close Friends Instagram Ads
(Note: This move works with close friends as well but is just that much more sweet when the person doesn’t get your sense of humor yet.)
Those who know me well know my NPR game is on point. Ole’ NPR keeps me grounded, informed and from time to time gets me all pissed off especially when I have to listen to Steve Inskeep interrupt his guest’s over and over again. With that being said, the other day they had a story about Aaron Copland’s jam, “Fanfare For the Common Man.” Now jokes aside. This song is brilliant. It makes you feel inspired, invincible and another word that starts with “i” that I can ‘t think of. For real though. This song….Chills. Anyways, this lady was describing how this song makes her feel and she continued to use the word piece over and over again. “What a brilliant piece.” “Such an emotional piece.” “The beauty of this piece is unmatched.” Home girl used the term piece so much it began to feel like a bit. Which brings me to the move.
Next time you’re talking music with a buddy refer to songs as pieces. “That’s my favorite Mac Demarco piece”. “What’s that piece by Bush that goes, Breath in Breath out?” “Have you heard Lady GaGa’s new piece?”
The key to this move is doing it with people your aren’t super close with. Avoiding the call-out is very important here. For instance, if I did this around one of my better friends they would immediately go, “What? Did you just call a song a piece? What are you fuckin’ Chopin?”… Move immediately destroyed. I’d recommend starting slow and dropping “piece” in the most subtle way possible and then ease your way into more and more drops. The ultimate goal is to have the person you’re talking with drop piece. If you do that you are a winner at life. Calling Songs Pieces. Could Be The Move.
GOAT. Definition: Greatest of All-Time. It’s a term I like to throw around as loose as possible. Sure, some people like to save the term for the “so-called” true GOATs: Jordan, Gretzkey, Tu-Pac, Martha Stewart, etc. but I think guys like Johnny Manziel and things like Big Visors and Papa John’s Garlic Sauce deserve a nod as well. Since there are so many GOATs out there (in my fucked up world anyway) it’s sometimes difficult to get a solid gauge for who/what is truly the Greatest of All-Time.
Solution: When labeling someone/something the GOAT first state the person/place/thing. Then depending on how great this thing is pause, pause, pause then deliver GOAT. Note: The longer the pause the harder GOAT must be delivered.
Example 1: You drive by Subway. “$5 footlongs…………… GOOAATT!
Example 2: Gin Blossoms comes on the radio. “Gin Blossoms………………………………. GOOOOAAAATTTTTT!”
Notice the pause was longer with Gin Blossoms which means, on the GOAT scale, Gin Blossoms is higher. Now I know exactly what you’re thinking, “Bobby! What’s the longest GOAT pause you’ve ever given?” Great question. to my knowledge it was a reference to Roy from the Office. “Roy……………………………………………………………………………………………… GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT!”